Sometimes we become very good at managing a reaction without ever asking why the same reaction keeps returning.
We learn how to calm ourselves after an argument. We distract ourselves when anxiety appears. We reassure ourselves when someone seems distant. We keep ourselves busy when slowing down makes us uncomfortable.
And these things can genuinely help.
But imagine someone who feels intense guilt whenever they disappoint another person. They apologise quickly, explain themselves, reassure the other person and spend the next hour replaying the conversation.
Eventually, they become very good at calming the guilt. But the next time someone asks them to do something they don’t want to do, they still say yes.
The relief comes. But the pattern remains.
This distinction matters to me because it sits at the heart of Samskāra Rewiring.
When coping keeps us away from the experience
Coping is not the problem. Sometimes it is exactly what we need. We need to regulate before we can think clearly. We need to step away from an overwhelming situation. We need support, rest or simply a way to get through a difficult period.
But there is a difference between using a coping strategy to help us move through an experience and using it primarily to get away from an uncomfortable internal experience.
Psychology describes one aspect of this through experiential avoidance — attempts to avoid, suppress or control difficult thoughts, emotions, memories or bodily sensations.
A 2022 systematic review and meta-analysis examined 441 studies involving 135,347 participants and found moderate-to-large associations between experiential avoidance and difficulties including anxiety, depression, worry, social anxiety and PTSD. The researchers also emphasised that experiential avoidance is a complex process rather than a fixed personality characteristic.
The research does not mean that coping is harmful, nor does it prove anything about Samskāras.
What it does make me think about is what happens when our primary goal becomes getting rid of the uncomfortable experience as quickly as possible.
Take the person who feels guilty after saying no.
They say yes, and the guilt reduces.
They apologise, and the anxiety reduces.
They explain themselves, and they feel reassured.
In the short term, these responses work.
But the deeper assumption may remain: “If someone is disappointed with me, I need to fix it.”
So the next boundary brings the same guilt.
And the next one.
And the next.
The coping strategy has helped them feel better, but it has not necessarily changed the pattern that keeps producing the same response.
What happens when we stop trying to make the feeling disappear?
This is where I think healing asks a different question.
Instead of only asking, “How can I make this feeling go away?”, we can sometimes ask, “What happens if I experience this feeling without automatically doing what I have always done?”
The person who feels guilty after saying no may still feel the guilt—but not take the boundary back.
The person who becomes anxious during conflict may still feel the anxiety—but stay in the conversation.
The person who wants immediate reassurance when someone becomes distant may notice the urge—and give themselves some time before acting on it.
Nothing about this requires us to stop feeling.
The possibility is to stop letting the feeling dictate the response.
This is where I see the connection with Samskāra Rewiring.
A Samskāra can show up as a familiar way of responding to an experience. Rewiring is not about making that experience disappear or forcing ourselves never to feel the emotion again. It is about becoming conscious of the pattern and creating opportunities to experience the same kind of moment differently.
The guilt can be there.
The anxiety can be there.
The discomfort can be there.
And we can still choose not to follow the old response.
Coping can be part of healing
I don’t see coping and healing as opposites.
Sometimes coping gives us enough stability to begin doing deeper work. Sometimes regulating an emotion is exactly what allows us to stay present with it rather than becoming overwhelmed by it.
But when we notice the same reaction appearing across different people, situations and stages of our lives, perhaps it is worth looking beyond immediate relief.
Not only: “What will help me feel better right now?”
But also: “What keeps bringing me back to the same response?”
For me, that is where healing begins to move beyond managing the moment.
Not because coping is insufficient.
But because sometimes the deeper work is not only learning how to feel better when the pattern appears. It is becoming conscious of the pattern itself and discovering that we can meet it differently.
That is where relief can become the beginning of deeper transformation, rather than the end of the story.